In no mood to dance

January 20, 2007

Ask most anyone around me if I have been fun to be around lately, and I’m pretty sure they would say no. I’m a mess emotionally right now. My mind takes me through several states throughought the course of an hour; from relaxed, to lonely, to angry, to deathly scared, to depressed and back again. I can pretty much narrow the causes down to specifics.

Firstly, I’m away from the only one who evens me out. It happens every semester; I come back to class and within the first few weeks I begin to develop a heartsickness. Every little thing that could possibly remind me of Jill does. This means that Scrubs, no matter how humorous, will always get at me a little. Same thing with a number of other shows. We had a thundersnowstorm last night around 3am; even that struck a chord. And all of this brings me to a breaking point where my frustrations, despite my self control, boil over and I lash out in various ways. This probably accounts for 50% of my problem, if not more.

Additionally, Jill and I have little accomplished for our wedding planning. With a little more than a year to go, this scares me. I have no clue how long the planning will take, and I want to make sure that the wedding is exactly as Jill wants it. Today I plan on sitting down, flipping on the Wings/Avs game at 8:30, and jotting down my invite list. That’s a start I suppose.

Finally, the future freaks me out. I have no more summers. None. I have class this summer, and next summer I start a career as Jill completes her schooling. Perhaps that is why I am so intent on going in to missions. To me, mission work isn’t a job. It is still work, but it is something I find more rewarding than the typical grind. In any case, I have 4 whole semesters in a row staring me down the eyes. This bull won’t back down, and it’s got me whimpering in the corner.

Can I go back to a time when nap time and snack time were a part of the curriculum? Please?

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